I’m the guy Stewie kissed on molly; I’m the new Jess; I’m half Rava/half filing cabinet guy; I’m the random guy who got in the elevator with Kendall, and I am the eldest boy. BECAUSE I AM THE BLOODLINE OF THIS SHOW!!! Its DNA will continue to live in me forever because I’m the heir with the flair and the L to the OG.
But this finale was a lot to digest, it really was a meal fit for a king. With open eyes, they should have called it with open mouths because my jaw was on the floor! I was eating carpet watching this. As usual, I had McDonalds in one hand and my heart in the other. We were screaming the house down, throwing things at the TV, wailing like banshees, there were cop cars pulling up due to noise complaints. And it was literally just us watching a few people walk around a boardroom. This show is not normal and I was not normal watching it. It remains to be seen if I ever will be.
For the final time, here is the Tops & Flops of the series finale.
TOPS
TOM WAMBSGANS - C.E.O
Look who entered the chat, Tom Wambsgams, C.E.O. Well, he did say he was here to serve. This clumsy little interloper came through in the end to score a touchdown, albeit in a game he is destined to lose.
Like I’ve said before, Tom has been tired this entire season because my man has been working!! You think it’s easy sucking the biggest dick in the room, rigging elections, and trying to save a dead man on a plane? My king has put in the hours, thus emerging victorious as Matsson’s number one fuckboy.
MATSSON & EBBBBBAAAA!!
Our little Gojo Rabbit was always going to win. You think Alexander Skarsgard is taking on the role of a loser! My viking is too hot for that. When he screamed, “EBBA!!!”, something shifted in me on a cellular level. Mostly because she was literally sitting right behind him, but also as a feminist, I had to come to terms with the fact that this little misogynistic, vampire freak is hot and I would like to be his Ebba.
I wish we had a fifth season just to see Ebba roll our eyes at him, as all of his stupid ideas fuck Waystar into the ground.
STEWIE - LGBTQ+MDMA
Stewie just wants some weird sex and drugs because it’s Pride Month and our bisexual king will be celebrating on top. He goes wherever he smells that money, because my little Stewpot is team dollar bill, baby. He came into this show licking doughnuts and counting cash, and he leaves it licking molly and kissing boys. A true winner.
CONNOR & WILLA
Willa & Connor have the most honest transactional relationship in a show full of transactional relationships. They may be doomed to a life of misery together, but goddamn if Willa won’t write some bad plays about it.
Bothered by a silly board meeting? Please, Willa has a cow print couch coming and a play reading in six to eight months. And I, for one, will be seated front row for it.
NICHOLAS BRITELL
The score in this show will be remembered as one of its greatest achievements. My boy Squiggle cooked up some insane beats over four seasons. As Kendall got lower, Nicholas Britell’s octaves got higher. I mean, by the end of this final scene, he was basically stomping on that piano and smashing violins. The perfect score to match a perfect final shot.
Britell could write Symphony No. 5, but Beethoven could never compose L to the OG. PERIOD!
KEEPING UP WITH KARL
Oh, you thought that Celtic song he was singing was SCRIPTED! That was for me, his number one lass. "The sweetest hours that e’er I spend, are spent amang the lasses.” Please, Karl, I am blushing.
The show might have been a Greek tragedy, but my Karl is about to be a Greek god because we are getting that money and going to our island, baby. We are about to be Livin La Vida Logan. Cha Ching!!
LADY CAROLINE - MOTHER/MUTHA
Caroline is a truly awful mother, and what I love most about her is how unbothered she is by this. She starves these kids for giggles because she crossed out all their names at birth. Her specialty is wartime pickles with a side of snark.
Give this woman a knife and fork because she is eating up every scene. An incredible performance by an iconic MOTHER!
FLOPS
SHIV - JOAN OF WAYSTAR
Oh, you were surprised someone called SHIV stabbed someone in the back. People forget that Shiv Roy is a full-time hater, a 9-5 traitor. This is what she was built for, the only thing Logan taught her to do. Logan said, “Life is a fight for a knife in the mud,” and my girl got the knife. Some people online seem to be confused about her motives. It’s very simple; she no likey Kendall. He melts her brain and turns her stomach. The second he put his feet on Logan’s desk, she was like, “This fucking guy. Let me go ahead and ruin his life.” He offered Stewy a better job than he ever would have given Shiv, he would have trampled all over her, and she knew it. So she voted no and flopped her hand into Tom’s, knowing that she had just turned into the biggest flop of all time. Her mother.
But I know this is not the last we will see of our demented queen. She will pivot to reality TV and become the most iconic Real Housewife of New York, with her evergreen tagline: “Cunt is as cunt does.”
And trust that she will continue to torment Kendall with her nepo baby clothing line called: ‘BLOODLINE’.
ROMAN - SUCH A LITTLE NOTHING
Oh Romey, he just wanted to lick Peter’s cheese and get a hug from Mummy. One of the very first lines Roman says in Season 1, Episode 1, is, “Look at all this fucking bullshit.” 38 episodes later, Roman hasn’t changed; he’s gotten worse, but now at least he can see that they are also bullshit.
We leave this little nothing as we found him, alone, with bad political views, in a vortex of nothing. And extremely rich.
GREG-JUDAS, THE CLOWN
I thought I heard a clown car pull up! Gregory Hirsch may look like a winner, but he will always be a loser. When we first met Greg in Season 1, he was trapped in a mascot costume trying to make some money from the Roys, and the only thing that’s changed in 38 episodes is Greg now wears a suit and is trapped in a corporate circus. Because this man is a CLOWN! Getting your salary cut from $200k to $30k and thinking siding with Kendall would pay off, even Chuckles herself isn’t laughing at that.
He ends with less money in his pocket and a target on his head. Flop!
KENDALL LOGAN ROY - THE ELDEST BOY
He may not be the eldest boy, but he is the saddest boy. Somebody needs to get Kendall Roy on The Drew Barrymore Show because she is the only person who can fix this man. One hug from Drew, as they compare childhood nepo baby stories, and he would be singing in the rain. But alas, just his luck, he gets Shiv Roy instead. The sibling relationships on this show are hilarious, but are so tragic that it’s almost unbearable to watch. Shiv destroys Kendall’s life all because he kind of annoys her. Like sorry, that’s sibling love. Making him drink that meal fit for a king and kicking him off his throne two minutes later. This gave me flashbacks to when my brother would make milkshakes for himself that solely consisted of Kinder Buenos. He would just put three Kinder Buenos and ice cream in a blender and drink it. It truly looked more dangerous for your health than whatever Kendall was drinking.
But I knew it was over for my little Ken doll when he denied killing the waiter, he said no real person involved and finally became Logan. Jeremy Strong’s line readings of, “It didn’t happen” and “I’M THE ELDEST BOY!”, were the saddest and funniest things Kendall has ever said. A 40-year-old man screaming and spitting, “I’M THE ELDEST BOY!!”, and expecting to run a billion dollar company. Sorry, but this man is a COMEDIAN!
Kendall had two options for his whole life. Become CEO or cease to exist. He was not built for anything else; he was a cog built for only one machine, and he couldn’t even fit that one. We end the show with Kendall, flanked by Colin and the secrets of his past, haunted by a future that no longer exists.
BANGERS OF THE WEEK
“There’s something about eyes. They just kind of, ugh, revolt me.”
“I really love you but I can’t fucking stomach you.”
“If they want red meat and boiling tar, buon appetito.”
“It’s fuck all, man. It’s bits of glue and broken shows, fucking phoney news, fucking…come ôn…we are bullshit.”
“Why don’t I get the guy who put the baby inside her instead of the baby lady?”
“If I don’t get to do this, I might die.”
GOOD TWEET
GOOD ARTICLES
Lots has been written about Succession wrapping up, but here are some of my faves:
Mark Mylod, director on the ending and the tragedy of hope.
Jeremy Strong on Kendall being stuck in a silent scream forever.
Lainey on Succession’s relationship with food. A great insight into how food is used for power on the show. I think the only times we ever see Kendall eat are in the very first episode, when he eats a hot dog and almost chokes on it when Logan interrupts him, and then in the very last episode, he eats the meal fit for a king, which was essentially poisonous.
Georgia Pritchett on the writing process of Succession.
Jude Rogers on the sense of an ending.
SO IT BE, SO IT IS…….
There is a great line from Season 1 when Marcia says to Shiv, “He made you a playground and you think it’s the whole world.” The incredible thing the writers did was make us think this was the whole world too. Who will wear the crown? Will they ever get out of this mess? Will Marcia ever come back from Milan? What was Anne’s disaster in Maine?! And who the fuck is Sally Ann?
These people had me stressed! I was praying every night for my number one boy, looking up adoption agencies for Shiv’s baby, and starting Kickstarters for all the women Roman fired. It was a full-time job keeping up with these fools.
And now, it’s just over. And they’ve left me here in the playground with all the feelings.
Jokes, I’ll be back next week with a breakdown of Season 1 of And Just Like That, the best worst show ever made. It is my life goal to make every living person know who Che Diaz is.