An emergency newsletter was needed because culture has SHIFTED! Memes were made, gifs were had, spit was thrown and Chris Pine, well he was and probably still is, HIGH.
For any loser who doesn’t know what’s going on, here’s a timeline of our worry and eventual death.
April 2020: Shia LaBeouf & Florence Pugh are announced as the leads of Don’t Worry Darling. Shia “exits” the movie later that year citing “scheduling conflicts” (code for “I did some shit”).
September 11th 2020: My current husband, Harry Styles was hired as his replacement. They announced this on 9/11. We should have known then but we were too excited, darling.
October 2020: The Don’t Worry Darling shoot/worry begins.
November 2020: Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis announce their split.
January 2021: Harry and Olivia are spotted holding hands at a friends wedding. Harry and I announce our divorce shortly after.
February 2021: Rumours and online blinds start floating online about possible tensions on the set. Olivia and Harry canoodling, covid shutdowns and possible tensions between the girlies. We start to worry.
April 2022: As Olivia Wilde is about to debut the trailer on stage at CinemaCon, she is served custody papers (from her ex) during her speech. Ted Lasso not so nice after all.
July 2022: People online start to notice that Florence is not doing any promotion for this movie, even though she is being tagged about 70 times a day in official posts for the movie. Instead she is posting about the Oppenheimer movie which doesn’t even come out for another 12 years. We are beginning to panic.
August 2022: Florence does an interview saying: “When it’s reduced to your sex scenes, or to watch the most famous man in the world go down on someone, it’s not why we do it. it’s not why I’m in this industry”. It is noted that Florence will be doing very limited press due to her filming “Dune”.
Olivia does a profile for Variety saying that there was no feud with Florence and it’s all fine. She notes, she in fact fired Shia LaBeouf to essentially keep Florence safe. We are less worried. But during the interview the journalist notes that Florence Pugh did not give any comments for this profile on Olivia, “because she is filming Dune”. My girl trying to drag Dune into this mess again. Back to worrying.
Shia LaBeouf chimes in saying, actually Ellen, that’s not the truth and shares emails and videos of Olivia, in an effort to dispute his firing. The most scarlet evidence is a video of Olivia calling Florence, Miss. Flo, saying:
Although the truth probably lies in the middle of this mess and we don’t know the context of when these were sent or what happened after, it doesn’t take away from the simple fact, that MISS FLO IS FUNNY.
After the video is released, it is announced that Florence Pugh will now not be doing the press conference in Venice and will only attend the red carpet premiere, because she is once again, filming Dune. Dune is now code for “I am not DUNE that”.
The world premiere for Don’t Worry Darling was set for September 4th in Venice. We knew this day would tell a tale but we could not have predicted this cinematic masterpiece.
Sunday, September 4th, 2022.
The Day Culture Shifted.
SCENE 1: INT. WEED SHOP, VENICE, DAYTIME
Christopher Pine walks up to the counter, looking worried.
“Do you have anything for worry?”
The store assistant pulls out a duffle bag full of drugs from behind the counter:
“Take it all pal, you’re gonna need it”.
SCENE TWO: INT. DON’T WORRY DARLING PRESS CONFERENCE, VENICE.
Close up on Chris Pine, his bob tucked gently behind his ear, listening to Super Soul Sunday podcast, his edible kicks in. But the wifi cuts out. Oprah abruptly leaves his ears. He is forced to listen to Harry Styles say, “my favorite thing about acting is the feeling that I don’t know what I’m doing". Chris asks for noise canceling headphones.
A journalist asks Olivia about the rift with Florence Pugh and why she’s not there. They once again drag my boy Denis Villeneuve and Dune into it.
Olivia: “We are so grateful she’s able to make it tonight [for the red carpet] despite being in production on Dune. I know, as a director, how disruptive it is to lose an actor even for a day, so I’m very grateful to her, and to [Dune director Denis Villeneuve] for helping us. And we’ll get to celebrate her work tonight.”
CUT TO:
EXT. BAR, VENICE, THE EXACT TIME OF THE PRESS CONFERENCE
Florence Pugh is drinking an Aperol Spritz.
SCENE 3: INT. INTERVIEW ROOM, VENICE
Chris Pine and Harry Styles are seated for press interviews. Chris had decided the weed wasn’t enough, so he takes ‘shrooms. As they hit, he hears Harry say: “My favourite part about the movie is that it just feels like a movie”
Chris’s soul leaves his body but he is thankful at least that the worry is gone.
SCENE 4: INT. HOTEL BEDROOM, VENICE
Florence is perched on her bed, 7 Aperol Spritz’ in her stylist posts a photo with the caption, MISS FLO.
The world as we know it ends.
SNAP CUT TO
INT. BLAND HALLWAY, VENICE, 7:10PM
Olivia’s stylist posts a caption:
“There’s always more to the story”.
And you know what, she’s right. With this movie, there is always more to the story.
SCENE 788. EXT. RED CARPET CIRCUS
Miss Flo arrives late and says, “You want drama, WELL, HERE I AM!”
Meanwhile, Chris, now on a come down, decides to take some poppers. He said “Worry, darling, I’ve never even met her”.
Then the rest of the darlings arrive. Olivia and Harry pretend they’ve never met. And people finally realise that Gemma Chan, Nick Kroll and that other lady have just been hired for the night as bodyguards and are not actually in the movie.
Chris Pine continues to be high.
SCENE 666: INT. MOVIE THEATRE, VENICE, NIGHTTIME
As the worry seems to have slowed down, Harry Styles enters the race. As Chris starts hallucinating an alternative universe where he can teleport to, Mr. Styles saliva comes shooting out of him and it’s only going in one direction….towards my darling. Chris is thankful he took another edible because he is unable to do anything but laugh. Harry continues to pretend he doesn’t know these people, because he is about to start watching a movie, one that really feels like a movie, in a cinema, where they show movies.
As the lights go down, Christopher takes a sleeping pill and decides he has had enough.
CUT TO:
Reviews start to flood in and, well, not everyone thinks this is a movie.
SCENE 999: INT. MORGUE, VENICE
The movie ends. Everyone is dead. Their corpses get up to clap for four minutes. Florence won’t let them.
Trying to distract from this mess, queer icon Harry pulls Nick Kroll in for a kiss. He said, Don’t Worry, Be Gay.
Chris Pine stops clapping and wipes the spit off himself. This clapping is beginning to feel like exercise for him. He’s had enough.
CLOSING SCENES
After the premiere, Florence posts four times online. Each post mentioning anything but the movie (she did follow up on Wednesday with a post thanking the cast & crew, but we have to ignore that because it doesn’t fit into this narrative).
Lastly, she posts a photo of her makeup artist wearing a t-shirt saying..….MISS FLO. Which is going to be my Halloween costume this year.
END SAGA.
Except, there is always more to this story. In a stunning twist, Harry Styles admits to spitting on Chris Pine.
EPILOGUE
DEATH NOTICE:
I knew all this worry would claim lives.
R.I.P to our colonizing darling.
